


Regret

by BrokenBookAddict



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotions, F/M, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love Confessions, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Talking, Truth, taking a chance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24044053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrokenBookAddict/pseuds/BrokenBookAddict
Summary: You only regrets the chances you don't take.
Relationships: Will McAvoy/MacKenzie McHale
Comments: 14
Kudos: 38





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Obvious disclaimer- I do not own the newsroom. I do own any errors.

Nerves roll in her stomach as she waits and then the doors are opening before her. One deep, steadying inhale is all she allows herself. On shaky legs she walks out of his elevator and into his home. She hasn't been her since they found him on the floor of his bathroom covered in blood. Her heels click softly against the floor as she moves further into the apartment. It's quite dark, with only a lamp across the room casting light low and almost cosy in the otherwise sterile home. Her eyes find the man she's in search of sat upon his white couch, with what she guesses to be tomorrow's brief abandoned before him on the table beside his laptop. 

Looking away from his general direction, she moves as if on auto pilot toward where his alcohol lives. This is what is needed right now. Without asking she helps herself to a Jameson, fills one for him too then takes the bottle with her to the couch. She drops down beside him but leaves enough space between them so she isn't encroaching upon his space. She passes him the glass, feeling his fingers brush hers when he accepts it. A simple touch that makes almost her ache with longing. Really, it should be pathetic but she's passed the stage of caring. 

Silence falls over the room and it's two occupants and for a long time they sit shrouded in the quiet until Will eventually breaks it. 

"What are you doing here Mac?" He asks though not unkind, just curious. The right to question is his, because she has after all invaded his home unannounced. 

She rolls the glass between her palms and remains mute for the time being. 

Which is unusual because normally she doesn't stop talking. 

He tilts his head, curiosity swiftly turning to concern. "Has something happened? Are you alright?"

The answer to that rests on a very fine line. 

"I came here to talk." 

"Talk about what? Is there an issue at the office?" 

"This isn't about work Will, it's about---" _us,_ she finishes in her head. 

"Why did you come here Mac?" He repeats again, looking for the answer she hasn't offered up yet, at least not in full. 

It feels like forever between his question and her answer. 

"I don't think I've ever been as scared as I was the night we found you on your bathroom floor... not even in Afghanistan."

"Mac..." he starts to say but it's as though she can't hear him, because she rallies on. 

"You could have died Will and I--" she pauses, taking a sip of her Jameson. "I know you don't want to hear it but I need you to. I need you to know the truth about what really happened." 

Will clenches his jaw but refrains from responding in the usual manner which has become familiar and the norm when broached with the topic of the past. He suppresses the urge to lash out. 

"You have to know it was never anything you did or didn't do. It didn't really have anything to do with you at all really. From the very beginning you were nothing but perfect. I told you before, you just had this way of doing things and I--" she shakes her head. 

Will looks away, finding it so incredibly difficult to look at her and hear the words that are years in the making or rather waiting to be said. 

"I told you before about my relationship with Brian, about how it ended but I never went into greater detail about what the relationship was actually like. It wasn't healthy Billy, far from it. He had a temper which made him controlling, manipulative and verbally abusive at times, some of the things he said to me hurt far worse than if he had hit me. But I thought I loved him and then he rejected me. At the time I didn't see it as the blessing it was, I saw it as a failure on my behalf. Clearly I did something wrong for him to not want me..." she takes a sip of her drink, before staring back down into the amber liquid, aiming her words to it rather than to him. She takes another sip, then gets to her feet moving to stand before the expanse of windows, looking out over the city. "Then you came along and we started dating and it pissed him off to see me with someone else, he was jealous and I thought that's what I wanted. So when he called, I answered and I went back to him. It was like a hold I couldn't break until the moment came when I realised I'd fallen in love with you... That it was you, Billy." 

However much it hurt to hear this and by God, it does, Will for his part doesn't say anything, for once he remains silent and allows her this opportunity for truth, something of which he denied her so very long ago. 

"I know you think I told you to end the relationship between us but it wasn't-- that couldn't be further from the truth. I wanted there to be no secrets, no lies as we moved forward. I had suspicions things between us were growing more serious, so I told you. Maybe I should have told you at the beginning, when I ended it but I-- you have to believe me Will, it was never my intention to hurt you or to destroy everything we built. 

"But you did," he injects quietly, keeping calm.

Mac nods, staring out into the darkness. "I did. I ruined everything good between us and you'll never understand how sorry I am or how much it hurt me to know I hurt you. I-I couldn't live with it so I ran, straight into a fucking war zone where I nearly died. But it served it's purpose as the distraction I craved and it worked to a degree... until it didn't."

"Mac." 

"I just wanted to come home Billy and when Charlie came to see me, even though I was afraid of taking the offer, I couldn't refuse it." She says quietly. "I just wanted to come home." 

Her eyes get lost in the view set out before her, New York City at night is a beautiful place. Building after building lit up, window after window offering up a different scenario. Homes, offices, bars and restaurants. Every window has a different story to offer, just like this one. She wonders looking out if someone is looking in, trying to guess what story this place holds. Her musings are shattered when Will appears in the reflection behind her. He settles beside her, leaning against the glass, one hand shoved deep into his pocket as the other swirls his glass. 

"I've never felt anything like how I felt when you told me. It hurt beyond anything I'd experienced which for me, you know... is saying a lot." 

"I know you hate me for what I did and I don't--" 

Will shakes his head, all the air rushing from his lungs with a harsh exhale. "I don't hate you Mackenzie, however much you think I do. I don't think it's possible for me to hate you." 

Mac finally turns to look at him, her eyes filled with tears as she shrugs. "But you can't forgive me." 

It's his turn to drop his gaze away from her, discomfort and shame filling him in the face of her words. "I think I forgave you long before I even realised I had. I've been talking it through with Habib and he said... I was hurt because I felt betrayed and when you came back, I lashed out and I lashed out again and again, and then I realised I was hurting you far more than you ever hurt me." He confesses quietly, his eyes stricken upon her. "So the question should be, can you forgive me?" 

Mac blinks against the tears, her watery gaze never wavering from his handsome face. "I won't lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. You paraded a string of women through _our_ newsroom Will, every night a different woman rubbed in my face and you knew exactly what you were doing. You intended to hurt me and that's the difference, because I never did. It wasn't just the women, Will... it was your contract and then you brought Brian in to write the article." 

"I--" He falters and nothing comes forth in reply. 

She lets out a shuddering breath. "Everyday I had to come to work to face the reason why I wasn't living the life I wanted, a life that is thirty feet from me every single day. I had to endure far more than his presence but the looks and comments from him as well. So not only did I have to suffer the blows from you but I also had to suffer them from him too." 

It's in that single moment of looking at her standing beside him, lower lip caught between her teeth as she cradles her glass, where he realises for what she did wrong, she did everything right. Everything. The rest was him. He hadn't answered her calls, any of her emails or letters, when she came back back, he was an ass. She's right, from his contract and the women to Brian and every unnecessary argument in between, it had been him. All of it. 

This is it for him. The pivotal moment of realisation. 

"Mackenzie?" When she looks up at him, he continues, "I'm sorry for everything and I-- I don't ever want to- I mean I..." His free hand clenches into a fist and he takes a breath. "The messaaage I left you, it said I--" But he's cut off from saying anything further by her fingers suddenly pressing against his mouth. 

"Will. Whatever you're about to say, only say it if you really mean it."

Which for someone who has basically hounded him about the message, says a lot. 

Setting aside his glass, Will reaches up to take her hand in his, fingers slide gently against her palm. His eyes meet hers. "‘ _Hey Mac, it’s me-- Will. Listen, I swear I’m not just saying this because I’m high: If the answer is no, then do me a favour and don't call me back or bring it up or anything. But I have to tell you-- I mean, after tonight, I really want to tell you that I’ve never stopped loving you. You were spectacular tonight'... Then there’s a-- a pause, and I say, ‘can you believe we got Obama?'”_

"You--"

"Whatever reason brought you here tonight, I'm glad it did. I've avoided hearing the truth of what happened but I-- I mean I--, I'm glad you're here. And I'm sorry Mackenzie... for everything and I love you, I always have and I promise I'll never do anything to hurt you again." He tells her quietly but earnestly. "I love you." He repeats softly as though she missed it the first time. 

_She didn't._

"Billy." Her hand leaves his to settle on his chest, fingers curling into the material of his blue sweater to pull him closer. Every fibre of her being relaxes, melting into him when he cups her face. He kisses her before she even has the chance to return the sentiment and just as easily, after a tiny hesitant pause to wonder if this really is real, she falls into his kiss effortlessly. It's slow and soft, desperation seeps through timidly like it doesn't want to overwhelm the moment but it's there like a tentative caress growing bolder. Somehow she's still aware of the glass in her hand as the other slides into his hair, his tongue sliding into her mouth with a familiarity that almost has her sobbing. He's back, she has him back. _Will_. 

However much it pains her, she pulls away because she needs him to hear it. He needs to hear her say it. "I love you" she whispers softly, "I love you, so very much Billy." 

The smile that lights up his face is one she hasn't seen in a very long time, it's full and happy, reaching his eyes. He takes her glass to set aside then wraps her in his arms, moving her back slightly to press against the glass. This time when he kisses her, the flames have been ignited because it blazes between them, bright and hot. He's kisses her like he's afraid she'll disappear and she holds him close with the same irrational fear. 

And that's the thing about taking chances, like the one she made tonight to come here, it's about overcoming the fear associated with what you're about to do. So easily, Mac could have made the decision not to come but she didn't, because you only regret the chances you don't take. So in this moment as she holds Will close as he kisses her, she's so very glad she overcame the fear and stepped into his elevator tonight. 

The end. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
